“I was told “You mustn’t work for at least a couple of years.” “You should stay away from the pressures of work as it could contribute to your feelings of inadequacy …” “You might not be able to cope.” Not once did anyone acknowledge that I was good at my job. It was never appreciated that I had worked from the age of 12 and that I thrived off the autonomy and responsibility it gave me. No one ever considered that working was massively part of my positive self-concept and that by denying me this one thing, it was denying me the hope and optimism that things could be better and return to some new kind of normal in the world outside the ward. What I was being told simply reinforced the feelings of inadequacy and failure that I had been trying to break away from during my admission. I was devastated.
Something else I was told needed to happen was: “You must take away all the knives in the house.”… “Lock all the windows.” Wow, in retrospect I now see how unhelpful this was. I was sent home with an enormous fear of anything that could potentially cause me harm. This fear only heightened by these normal household items being hidden away. Its like the monster under the bed is for a child, the fear is in the unknown. Are they there? Will they hurt me? Again this instruction left me feeing weak and incapable. Why was I sent home with no one giving me the confidence that I could manage, being told everything I should avoid or get rid of just in order to cope day to day?
Keir and Hollie worked so hard to help me rebuild self-belief and trust that had been so badly damaged by others.
At the point of BEAM being mentioned and starting to come into the picture I had been in hospital for many months and the ward was the most unsettled and distressing it had ever been. I was physically and mentally drained, dosing up to the maximum on PRN medication, isolated from family because of COVID restrictions and using anything I could find to harm myself. I was at a point of total hopelessness and exhaustion and so I didn’t have the energy to get excited about this new service being offered to me. I was told that it was a specialist service with a phone line, a DBT program and a lived experience practitioner. I really want to say that I was excited and hopeful but I wasn’t. At this point it was just another possibility. Previous options hadn’t worked out so why would this one? And if they are as brilliant and specialist as people say they are then why on earth would they select me to receive this help? I didn’t feel deserving. In all honesty I had 0% faith that this referral would result in anything.
What was most useful and worrying at the same time was your persistence. I had become very good at getting out of difficult meetings on the ward, storming out, telling staff to fuck off and in time this meant that difficult discussions weren’t had. However, BEAM came along and would meet with me without fail. No matter the upset they would continue to come and see me which no one had ever done before. Mindfulness practice was so hard in the beginning, my intrusive thoughts would relish the opportunity to take over the second I would sit quietly and tune into them. In all honesty it felt like torture. But Keir persevered and every session we would engage in mindfulness practice without fail, so useful but equally as worrying for me in the beginning.
Choosing BEAM was a decision based on an accumulation of many factors. For wish of a better word, the ward was becoming crazier and I was finding that the time I spent with Hollie and Keir was the only hour of peace and reflection I was getting in the week. I was insight into what I could possibly have outside. Don’t get me wrong, our sessions were hard. I would get upset, cross, frustrated but that is exactly the point…It allowed me the precious time and space to be upset, cross and frustrated and to truly feel, experience and express. I gradually came to realise how precious that was and how much I anticipated our sessions. I was genuinely in awe of your knowledge and understanding which was another factor in my decision to choose BEAM. Both Hollie and Keir were able explain things in such straight forward and simple terms, things that I had battled for years to find the words to explain. This gave me a real sense of comfort and safety. Yes of course there was also a real sense of no other option. I was at a point where I’d exhausted all ways of harming myself on the ward and nothing had fixed things for me, a specialist unit wouldn’t help me and the thought of being on the ward for another year would be my worst nightmare. I’d rather die than stay in my current situation. For the first time, in possibly forever, I had professionals interested in my voice and mine alone. Until now, the wishes of my partner and family were so significant and dictated the choices I made. My first several ward rounds took place without me. To be in charge of my own therapy was a change that I didn’t realise how badly was needed and was another reason why I chose BEAM. I felt that for the first time it was something just for me.
I instantly felt an ease in Hollie’s company. She had explained that she had previously been in and out of hospital but we never discussed anything further … we didn’t need to. I knew that she knew exactly what I was going through. To sit opposite someone who had been through the same and yet was so composed, insightful and compassionate was inspiring and proved to me it was do-able. Hollie continues to be an inspiration for me.
I understood that Keir had an OT background, but I feel it was his general character that made more of a difference. Keir carries with him the most incredible aura of calm which was refreshing. So much of the time, mental health professionals present as authoritative, aloof, and clinical so to be in the company of someone with so much knowledge and yet so approachable and warm made a significant difference in me feeling able to engage. For both Hollie and Keir, their expertise in this area was so evident from the beginning purely through the language they would use. Both would help me unpick what I was thinking and help place the appropriate label to it. Their extensive emotional vocabulary specific to my difficulties and needs helped me understand what I was thinking and feeling more than ever before.
Something that really stands out would be how you were so willing to be present during my upset or panic attacks. On the ward, when feeling extremely distressed you were often left alone with instructions to “calm down”. Staff would say that someone in a real state couldn’t be reasoned with. This made me feel so abandoned and unworthy. But with Beam, Hollie and Kier would stay, talk me through a panic, allow me the time to cry.
That being said, looking back, I think meeting with you may have been what caused the change in me on the ward. By that I mean my destructive behaviour, the intensity of my anxiety attacks became less. Perhaps I didn’t need to prove that I was struggling anymore, because there were two people who “got me”, who had empathy as well as faith. Having a tangible, black and white report that detailed so many of the reasons for my struggling gave me that concrete validation I needed. It wasn’t just words spoken and then forgotten, they were down on paper in black and white which I could hold and read and by doing so allow myself that little bit of empathy I had refused myself until then.”